just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
