I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
