The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
