My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
