Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
