I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
