thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
