I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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