You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
40s are totally the cure
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
