do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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