Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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