I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
