totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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