I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
