Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
