you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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