I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
did i just pee glitter
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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