Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Me too!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
