PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am midnight drunk by noon
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
