I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
