So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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