I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
