Tell her she can't have a vagina
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
