I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
