so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
