it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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