when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
COCAINE IS GR8
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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