my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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