come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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