Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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