1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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