We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
