I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
