We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
