So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
