Your mouth is God's brothel.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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