is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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