i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I have fence marks all over my body
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
