You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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