The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
