things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
