You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
