like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
