No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
