she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
