I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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