cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
