There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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