All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
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theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
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He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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