omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
