areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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