last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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