and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize