Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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