Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
