just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
