Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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